WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
