Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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