Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
