just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
