I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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