new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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