So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
