if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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