I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
