Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize