If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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