Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize