Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
