I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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