Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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