Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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