I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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