based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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