i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It was confusing and full of hummus
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
