Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
