Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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