Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
