Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
