I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This is my gift to your gina
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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