I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
