im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
