Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
