I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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