Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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