I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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