dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
