I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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