shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
