i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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