so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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