I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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