I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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