its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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