Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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