My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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