Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize