i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
