I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
