People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
