Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
