So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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