I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
