I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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