It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
