1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
