i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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