Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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