got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
