Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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