I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
