Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
barbara walters just said penis...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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