I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
