Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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