dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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