I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
