Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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