I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A bitchslap is in order.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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